Should a Child Be Compensated for Parental Care?
When a parent’s health declines, family members start to fall into different roles. Often one child becomes the lead in overseeing parental care, more often this is determined legally in a Will in which a Power of Attorney is assigned, thus identifying the child or person who will take lead on all affairs.
If you have not read my previous posts in this series, I am in that role: coordinating care for my mom, managing caretakers, hospice, medications, finances, and more. At first I was managing it well while also growing my consulting business. But as her care needs became more involved and my attention was needed more, it became more challenging to balance it all.
I found myself spending more time on details for my mother’s care than on the business that brings me income. As that shift in ‘time spent’ grew, I decided to add my role as caregiver to the time tracking tool I use for my clients. I set it up the same way I would a client detailing the tasks and turning on the time tracker. I did this to see how much this responsibility was impacting my ability to balance it all. I started to ask myself: “How many billable hours was I replacing?”
At first, my intent was to document for my own understanding. After seeing the 10+ hours a week documented over 2 months it became for legal reasons. I started to think about the value of my time, the value of the compensation and if there is a scenario where I would someday feel the loss of earnings? I wasn’t looking to be paid, but I found myself asking a question I believe many families quietly face: Should adult children be compensated for caring for their parents?
Have you heard the term “sandwich generation”? In the U.S., this generally refers to middle-aged adults who are responsible for supporting their aging parent(s) while also supporting their own children; Or in my case, running a business. About 23% of all American adults are currently part of the sandwich generation (Pew Research Center). Roughly 26% of American adults, nearly 68 million people, are in some form of a dual-caregiving role. And often, these adults report higher levels of emotional stress and financial strain.
At what point does this care cross between something you just do as part of life and something that you do and its impacting your life? At what point do we determine that this role is actually a job and not an act of compassion?
I guess some of that can be defined by what is actually involved. It’s a little more than what my siblings think is “helping Mom”. Most of the time I am managing the inquiries, approvals, questions and the wellbeing of our caretakers, our hospice lead, our financial professionals, the facility where she resides and the basic needs of an apartment - supplies, groceries, medical items not provided by Medicare, etc. And occasionally I am needed to fill in shifts of our private caretakers for hands-on care.
For many, caregiving for a parent feels like an act of love and gratitude, a way to give back to someone who gave selflessly for years. A doting, nurturing parent may receive unconditional care as part of that exchange. But not all parent-child relationships have that same foundation. In some families, the dynamic may have been imbalanced or even harmful. In my case, caring for a narcissistic parent whose needs often came before her child’s, brings up a different question: if that kind of emotional care was never provided to me, why should my caregiving now be considered purely selfless? Why shouldn’t it be treated like a job, one that deserves recognition, and potentially, compensation?
It makes me wonder: do we eventually reach a point in life where relationships, even familial ones, become a kind of emotional currency? Is this thought simply my way of processing how much time and energy this role has required, or is it a reasonable reflection on the imbalance that caregiving can surface?
I want to leave open the possibility that when it’s time to handle the estate, I am able to revisit whether this caregiving role warrants compensation. I don’t think I am alone in this. It’s not just a scenario within my family, there are many others that are questioning what fairness looks like when care, obligation, and labor all overlap.
So I ask: Should adult children be compensated for caring for their parents or is caregiving simply part of the circle of life we accept without expectation of repayment?
In my case, when one sibling shoulders most of the work, I believe documenting it will help everyone understand what has been done and then, when the time comes and if there are funds, decide together what is fair.
Author’s Note
At Flicker Consulting, my work often revolves around helping brands and leaders manage competing priorities, balancing data with empathy, vision with reality. This personal experience has reminded me how similar that balance can be in life itself. Whether it’s a business, a brand, or a family, ‘invisible’ labor has a value; what that means in each scenario remains to be determined.
